Goes Without Saying

At the time of this writing, the phrase “needless to say” gets over 25 million results on Google. That’s saying a lot for a term that by its own definition should never appear in writing or speech.

Two-For-One

When I was a kid I had an idea for a washing machine that automatically dries the clothes. It seemed so obvious to me, and I was sure that it would be mass produced and raking in money for someone before I could even tell anyone my idea. It’s been years, and every time I look at those two hunks of metal and plastic I wonder why it still hasn’t happened. One of these machines can cost thousands of dollars, and you’re telling me I need to buy two of them? If you look at a modern washer and dryer, you’ll see that they’re identical. They have the same size compartment and the same moving parts. With all of our modern technology and brilliant minds, how have we not combined these two redundant appliances? Are all the world’s scientists and engineers too busy to find time to shove a blower into a washing machine?

Seasons Feature Comparison

You Must Be Joking

How many times can you tell the same joke before it starts getting old to you? I suppose if it’s a really good joke you might be able to tell it two or three times before it gets moldy and you move on to a different joke. But what if the joke is already stale? Does that just make it more fun to tell? Every single time someone new walks into the office I hear, “Hey, did you hear about the three guys that went to the doctor?” I’ve probably heard it at least 10 times.

And now that I’ve told you about it, you just have to hear the joke don’t you? Well here it is. You tell me how many times you could manage hearing it.

So three guys go to the doctor. The doctor asks, “What’s 3×3?” The first guy answers 362. The second guy says, “Tuesday.” Then the doctor asks the third guy, “Okay your turn. What’s 3×3?” The guy says, “That’s easy, it’s 9.” Doctor says, “That’s right, how did you come up with that answer?” Guy says, “Simple, just subtract Tuesday from 362.”

[cue sympathetic laughing]

Out of the Picture

My wife and I decided we’d like to get some new pictures of the two of us. Of course, me being a photographer, I grabbed my tripod and remote control and did it myself. We had fun and I felt like we got some good pictures. But when I loaded them onto my computer and started flipping through them, I puked a little. One side of all the pictures was beautiful and radiant, while the other side resembled a retarded rat that was hit by a truck and knocked into a barrel of toxic waste.

But towards the end I reached a photo that looked surprisingly good. It’s hard to understand why. Everything about the shot was wrong. It was an accidental exposure and it was very out of focus. I think the thing that makes the picture work so well is the visibility of certain elements of the subject. Have a look for yourself.

Now if you’re thinking that I’m just being modest and the rest of the pictures actually looked good, bear in mind that you didn’t see the other pictures. Pray you never will.

Miracles

Cole (3 years old): Do you know what Jesus doos when you have a cough?
Me: What does Jesus do?
Cole: He makes the cough go away.
Me: Oh. What does Jesus do when you cut your finger?
Cole: He tells you to go to the doctor.

The Royal Scepter

If you’re looking for a little more respect in your life, consider buying a large, heavy SLR camera. Anyone who accidentally walks in front of you while you’re holding your camera will immediately bow before you with a sincere apology. Everyone will be concerned that they look their absolute best when they enter your presence, and many will ask you for your tasteful advice.

Time is of the Essence

My old watch was a “geek” watch. It was big and shiny with lots of fancy parts. It had a beautiful round digital display and loads of features. It was solar powered; I had it for years and it never needed a battery. It had atomic calibration, so it always showed the precise time. It had a data memory of 315 characters, 5 customizable alarms with reminder text, automatic daylight savings, and world time.

I loved my watch, but it was time to get a new one. But how could I find a watch that could live up to my beloved Casio Wave Ceptor WV-100? I considered all the different technologies available in watches, but no particular one jumped out. I ended up settling for a no frills, low tech, plain and simple, only-tells-time analog watch. It doesn’t have super powers, it doesn’t run on nuclear energy, it doesn’t even have numbers. It just tells time. Approximate, plus-or-minus time.

I miss the technology, but I’m okay with it. It’s a well-built, good looking watch. The only problem is, it’s been so long since I’ve looked at an analog clock that I’ve pretty much forgotten how to tell time. People have always been so accustomed to asking me for the time and getting a precise, immediate answer down to the second. Now by the time I figure out what time it is, (um, let’s see…two, three…fifteen, twenty….five, six…3:26!) that’s no longer the correct time and they’re no longer standing around waiting for the answer.

Stop Joshing

I recently met a kid whose name was Josh, and his dad was like, “Look, Josh, his name is Josh too!” The other day I met this guy and he was like, “Wow, you’re the third Josh I’ve met today. That’s so funny!” Get over it people! When you’re 6 it’s fun to find out that there’s another Josh in the world, but now it’s just not funny anymore. I dare you to walk into any business and ask to speak to Josh. It’s up to you what you say when they ask, “Which one?”

Getting The Point Across: Interesting Conversations

Jackie: Scott got a GPC, or whatever they’re called. You know, the thing that tells you where to go.
Me: It’s called a wife, Jackie.

Donita: Where are you?
Me: In the car.
Donita: No, where are you located in the car?
Me: In the driver’s seat.

Cynthia: What does LMAO mean?
Me: It means Laughing My Butt Off.
Cynthia: But that doesn’t w……oh.

Donita: Guess what, Josh, I am done in 2 in a half hours
Me: and a half
Donita: no just two in a half
Me: And a half
Donita: no
Me: two and a half
Donita: lol oha