It’s not what you think

I received a frantic call from my girlfriend the other day. She told me that her water broke and that she needed to use my bathroom immediately. I wasn’t about to interfere with an emergency, so I let her use the bathroom. She seemed pretty worried because the emergency personnel weren’t going to come until the next day. But it’s all worth it now, because the plumbing at her house is fixed and she once again has running water.

Disorderly Conduct Vol 2

Losing track of my mind:

I lost track of time as I was getting ready for work this morning. I started running to work so I wouldn’t be late until I realized that I was going to be 15 minutes early.

Defenitions:

[University]:
The central city of the universe

[out in]:
A commonly used phrase that ironically makes sense when used right.

What I’ve learned today:

Out in the country, you can never walk more that thirty-four feet without someone asking if you want a ride. In town you have to wave your arms around for thirty-four minutes before someone finally asks you, not for a ride, but for directions.

Moving out

Things I’ve done today that I’ve always wanted to do:

Sleep in my own room.
Walk to work.
Put chocolate milk on my cereal.

Things still on my to-do list:

Drink milk out of the carton.
Do chin-ups from the light fixtures.

How much mercury?

Take a look at this battery and tell me how much mercury it has. Then do a double take, squint, and look at it again.

Why didn’t I make spaghetti?

If you buy KFC on Mother’s Day you’d better not be in a hurry. Today being the universal mom’s day off, everybody and their great uncle twice removed is ordering chicken. This time lucky me was nominated as the family food fetcher, and I had no idea how big of a task this would be until I stepped in the door. After figuring out where the end of the squiggly line was, I figured I might as well make myself comfortable. Long story short, I had a lot of fun, I had a lot of time to think, and I made a lot of friends. Not by name, of course; everybody knows each other by order number. “Hi, I’m number 37, what’s your name?”

What I’ve learned today

Concrete blocks are heavy, and it hurts when they land on your fingers.

Gravel is kinda like Asparagus; it just tastes bad.

Sand in your eyes gives you such a happy feeling. It makes you wanna cry.

Super-Stik(tm) Adhesive is not afraid of sticking to your hands, especially under your fingernails.

Comment card

What do you do when you go to a restaurant and find lipstick on your drinking glass? Do you just sit there and ignore it like a good little boy and wind up catching Mad Cow Disease and Bird Flu? Do you blow up at the waitress in a steaming pile of anger and end up with a major headache and a bill for the damages, as well as stitches in your hand from the broken glass? Or do you do what my girlfriend did and politely ask for a new glass, most likely subjecting the rest of the city to the deadly wrath of the red lipstick, spreading AIDS and chicken pox and eventually killing off the human race.

I ended up giving the waitress a generous tip on how to wash dishes.

Rubber bands

I just gave away the last of my rubber bands. Now what am I going to do when my new computer arrives with its vast hoards of wires and cords? How am I gonna keep track of all my pens, pencils, and miscellaneous junk? How will I survive the war on terror with no ammo for my rubber band guns? After all, what good are pushpins, staples, and paper clips without rubber bands? It just sort of holds them all together, know what I mean?

Update: 5-4-06

Anonymous said…
“Do you have a lot of “office” supplies?”

I have enough thumb tacks to perform Acupuncture on an elephant, enough staples to hold together the Wall of China, and enough business cards to, well…what good are they for anyway? And paper clips? I won’t even go there. All I’ll say is that the guy who ordered them thought he was ordering three little packs of 100 paper clips, when he was really ordering three boxes of packs of 100 paper clips. And I still have no rubber bands.