Jury duty

I woke up this morning, shoved down some leftover pizza from the night before, and ran to the courthouse cuz I didn’t want to be late and get my mouth stuffed with fines. I stumbled around the courthouse trying to figure out where I’m supposed to go until I finally found the Bailiff and signed in. I walked into the courtroom and started looking unsuccessfully for a place to sit. I felt like Chicken Little trying to find a seat on the bus. I stood and watched people staring at me until finally somebody scooched over and I sat down. I then proceeded to wait…and wait…and wait, while the whole time I was unconsciously singing “Jury Duty” by the O.C. Supertones in my head. With all that spare time to do nothing, my mind was racing as usual. I couldn’t remember the judge’s name, even though it was written on the summons. So I looked over at the judge’s bench and I saw a typical looking office nameplate which read “SILENCE.” Interesting name, I thought. Then Judge Silence came in and we did the whole “all rise” thing and the oaths and they started calling up jurors to sit in the jury box until all the seats were filled and I was left in the back. It gave me flashbacks of when I used to play basketball with friends and I never got picked.

Tweaked Quotes

After some extensive research on famous quotes, I applied my own superior wisdom and experience to improve them.

“A penny saved…gets spent sooner or later.” -Original by Benjamin Franklin

“Home is where the clean, dry socks are.” -Original by Pliny

“I think; therefore I don’t play video games.” -Original by Rene Descartes

“Football is eighty percent mental and forty percent potato chips.” -Original from “Little Giants”

“Early to bed and early to rise makes a man grow old, hairy, and oversize.” -Original by Benjamin Franklin

“Procrastination is more important than knowledge…” -Original by Albert Einstein

Attack of the TP

For some reason I find a lot of toilet paper commercials very ironic. But I don’t mean the ones with the fluffy bears that sit behind the tree. I only find it ironic when they start fighting over who has the longest roll of toilet paper. Who really cares how long the roll is if the paper is so thin that it melts in your hand at the slightest hint of moisture. I shudder at the thought of it. When the moment of truth comes, depend on the fluffiest, thickest stuff you can find. Don’t fall prey to the cruel tricks of their evil marketing schemes.